Curse

tenryo · Dec 06, 2006, 05:26 PM // 17:26

Hey, even though this message board probably isn't the best place to post stuff like this, the situation has gotten to a point where I'm simply at the end of my rope.

I have a mother who, for lack of a better term, is controlling and overbearing (and quite judgemental at that). After getting less than satisfactory grades my first two years at college, she forced me (basically with the threat of pulling the plug on my tuition) to move back in with her. Life since has been, well, pretty much a shadow of what I think it should be. I'm pretty much kept on a tight leash... not allowed to attend clubs, conventions, parties, or much. I'm also not "allowed" to watch anime, play computer games, date etc. etc. Basically, she's expecting me to study/work 24/7 with very little respite or leisure and my social life has simply died.

It's been 2 years since I've "moved back in" and it hasn't been a pretty 2 years. I simply can't stand the spartan environment, and I've taken to watching anime, and sometimes playing games at the comp lab on campus secretly... which makes me feel like a real douche for lying to my mother. I'm set to graduate in only 3 more weeks, whereupon my original plan was to stay at my uncle's house and do 2 quick semesters of financial planning courses and then find a job.

Here's where the big problem lies, however. Because of her high expectations, I've found it necessary to "inflate" my grades when I present them to her... and it turns out I'm actually graduating almost .5 (on a 4.0 scale) lower than she thinks I am. I'm feeling really guilty about this, but it's gotten to the point where I really have no way "out" of this hole I've dug myself into. Originally, I figured I'd be out of her "sphere of influence" after I graduated, and if I could find a job in a timely fashion, no one would need to know. But just today, my mother found my "secret" portable hard drive in my backpack and is making a tremendous fuss about it (yes, the hard drive I use to play GW with). She's telling me to immediately cancel my financial plannig classes at UCLA, in which case I'd have to pretty much stay with her indefinitely. After all this time, with my "freedom" so close to hand, I'm simply at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. Don't get me wrong... I love my mother, and I appreciate all she's done for me. But I feel like I've been suffocating for so long and I simply feel so lost now. When she found the hard drive it was like someone socked me in the gut... and I just don't know how to get back up. I've tried numerous times to make her understand that I need some freedom, but I can't help but feel like a prisoner.

I mean, for christ sakes, I'm 23 years old now... and I feel that if she'd just let go and stop dictating my life I might just be able to start living it. But, of course, not having a job, I'm still financially dependent on my parents, hence my problem with standing up for myself to them: they're simply holding all the chips. And the worst part is that she makes me feel like such a bad person, such an unworthy son for trying to live a double life behind her back... but I simply can't live the kind of life she wants me to live. I sound really bitter, and that's probably because it's gotten to the point where I loathe everyone I see that's enjoying themselves. I envy people for their freedom and I despise them for all that they have that I can't. And it makes me feel so low, so desipicable that I do this... that I lead this double life behind my mother's back, that I envy my "friends"... that I've become a bitter person... and mostly... that I still haven't become either a "start student" or a person who "has fun".

Any advice out there? I'm at the end of my rope.
*free req 11 14 stance crystalline to whoever gives me advice that actually works to solve my predicament. For some reason I don't particularly feel like play much anymore after today's incident.

xxSilhouette · Dec 06, 2006, 05:40 PM // 17:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenryo

I have a mother who, for lack of a better term, is controlling and overbearing (and quite judgemental at that).

Hey Me too!!!!!!

At any rate, Im only 18, But i see where you are coming from. In high school I never really had a whole lot of friends beacuse of my mother, she expected me to make perfect grades and to go to church and to do what she said all the time, not to have a mind of my own, or to think on my own - or make choices on my own. And it sucked. Badly. I did a lot of things i regret now, beacuse i felt so controlled by her, When i did get out of the house, or was away from her, i did stupid things, just to relive stress and to feel good.

Im in college now, and my mom has contiusly still tried to control me. I had never stood up to her, or told her how i have felt, and I am also financially dependant on her, Until i graduate college and have a good paying job, I will always need her. And even after that, I will probley always need her.

But heres the way i see it, You need to talk to her. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. You need to tell her that you are 23, and you need to be able to make some choices on your own now. If she gets mad, just give her some time. If she really cares for you, she should respect what you are trying to say. If she doesnt get the picture, explain to her that you have felt so locked down, and like you havent gotten to do anything you want to do.

I understand you feeling bad about the grade issue, I did that a few times in high school myself, Its hard not too, But when she see's it. Tell her WHY you lied about it. Tell her that you want to make her proud of you, and explain why you didn't make that GPA she wanted you to make.

You also need to tell her that you should be able to play a game if you want. I mean college is stressful enough, and it sounds like she also makes things stressful. Its better to play a game to get your mind off things than to go out and do drugs. And tell her that. Explain that sometimes you just need a break from things, and Guild Wars (or whatever it may be) is what gives you that break.

I hope some of that helps. Its the best thing i can think of right now. But i most definatly know where your coming from.

It may just take some time for her to understand these things, Theres no better way to tell her really, except for plainly telling her how you feel. I know its hard, beacuse i kept it in for a long time, But once i said it, she was angry, but she respected it.

Good luck =) and if you need anything feel free to PM me!

RobotNinja · Dec 06, 2006, 10:23 PM // 22:23

Sounds like you need to grow a pair of stones and tell your Mommy to f**k off.

You're 23 for christs sake man, If you need your momma to watch over you so you can pass your classes, perhaps you shouldn't have gone to college in the 1st place. You will be shocked to discover if you get a job 'in the real world' your boss wont be there to hold your hand.

you have no-one to blame but yourself for letting your mom tell you what to do at your age anyway...

Truth hurts huh.

AWESOME thread BTW.

I pwnd U · Dec 06, 2006, 10:36 PM // 22:36

My advice is find a relative willing to take you under wing until you can get your feet under you. Graduate college move in with the relative and then get a job. If you are worried about your parents not paying your tutition go take a student loan. Yes they suck but it is better then not having an education and having to work as a janitor the rest of your life. Just go move in with a relative and avoid getting angry at your mother. Just stand up to her once you have a plan. Tell her that you need to be an individual and move out.

Lasareth · Dec 06, 2006, 11:22 PM // 23:22

Well if she's paying your way through college, I'm afraid she has the upper hand here. You can't really demand or expect anything until you're independent enough to earn the right to call yourself "independent."

This is the point where you need to decide what you're going to do with your life. You can become independent, but at a price. There's no way to get everything that you want at once (your cake and eat it, too?) and you'd probably have to work out a great deal of financial issues if you're going to attempt to make things less paternal and more formal between you and your parents.

First, choose whether you want the comfort of room and board or the comfort of leisure activities. If you really want to work towards being able to do stuff you want, you'll have to start planning things out. First and foremost you're going to need a job to pay for things. Once you have income, decide whether your mother is someone who will take compromise. You may be able to earn her respect if you start applying yourself to the "real life" scene and show her you're actually growing up. If she isn't, you may have to find an apartment to live in for an indefinite amount of time. Even then, you might be too troubled by financial issues to even do the stuff you find interesting!

Ahh, now things are starting to look scary, aren't they? But you'll eventually have to do this, there's no running away from it unless you want to be under your parents' roof and rules for the rest of your life. In my opinion it's better to start now than to procrastinate and start later (something we gamers are often notorious for).

The annoying thing is that the price of freedom, ironically, is your free time. Think of your parents, actually. They're working (or earning income somehow) and they've got to balance the time they have with raising a family, paying room and board, and buying enough food for everyone! It's pretty difficult.

You could try talking to her, but I don't think she has any reason to change her expectations, however overblown they are, until you show the initiative to start becoming independent. She may even be becoming overbearing so that you do this, too. "Tough love" but it's better than kicking you out and forcing you to start with nothing.

And I don't mean to sound pedantic, but it's best to see the obvious stuff as well as the not-so-obvious.

Sir Skullcrasher · Dec 06, 2006, 11:27 PM // 23:27

The best way to deal with this is to talk to your mother? I don't know how much good that could do but let her know about what you feel. I was once in this situation before and i changed the path i was in. I decided to go to school and finish up instead of waiting around at home doing nothing. Now i got a job and have plenty of free time i wanted to use.

The other method is to find a quick job to get some decent cash-flow and move into an apartment by yourself. Judging from your post, i would think your mom wouldn't approve of you doing it. Hell she might throw a fit or something worst at you for doing it but you need to be independent and not be depended on her. Also try and explain to your mother how you feel being bossed around so long and not be given the freedom you deserved.

Aera · Dec 06, 2006, 11:37 PM // 23:37

Maybe, I know it sounds sad, showing this thread to her helps. You've perfectly described how you feel about this and it should at least get SOME sympathy from your mother.

Now, I assume both you and xxSilhouette are American? Here, in The Netherlands we have something called "Study Financing". You get paid a not-too-bad amount of money every month, enough to pay rent of a not-too-bad little appartment somewhere. If you've completed your course within 10 years you don't have to pay it back. I don't know what the American system is like. But what I'm trying to say is you either need to stand up to your mother and / or move out again and think. Now as xxSilhouette mentioned, you could always take a study-loan. Then take a small job and move out.

Your mother is really controlling your life. I don't know why she's doing it, but it's got to stop. What does your mother say when you are trying to explain your situation? Doesn't she realise that you need free time? I mean, EVERYONE needs free time, including her. So why doesn't she understand?

I don't know what your family is like, but I could understand your mother a bit if your family is in the low-income range. She could have such high expectations and hope that you can make everything better and she's doing whatever she's doing for the best of your family.

As I stated before, I'd seriously let your mother read this thread, because it's a lot easier to write out your real feelings about this than actually telling your mother in person.

Hope you get this mess cleaned up soon

Malice Black · Dec 07, 2006, 01:30 AM // 01:30

Can't blame her tbh...she is spending her hard earned cash on you and you can't even make average grades..right now you are not value for money.

Either put up and shut up or find a shitty minimum wage job and live like a bum.

Welcome to the real world.

Divinitys Creature · Dec 08, 2006, 01:19 AM // 01:19

With respect, it sounds like your mother does not have a clue. Controlling you to that degree at your age will fsck you up no doubt about it. Going to college straight after high school is overrated IMO. It depends what career you go into I guess. If you are screwing up real bad and you need some independence maybe it would be better for you to take some time out and work - get a place and get some savings. Who ever said you have to spend four years continuously. Some will say it's impossible to go back once you leave due to the practicalities of work and family - but if you only take a year or two out it might not be a problem. Studying with no freedom and becoming unhappy is not worth it. What are you doing it for? Don't make yourself as unhappy as you sound for no good reason. The amount of drama you experience over this hard-drive issue is ridiculous. Find other people like yourself and study with them rather than alone (so long as they are serious). Or do the year over - whatever suits you. Time management is important, studying every waking hour is not necessary and is unhealthy IMHO. These are supposed to be the best days of your life or something. Oh and never listen to what people say about the real world, use your own mind instead of being told you are a failure and consigned to doom "in the real world".

Ultimate_Gaara · Dec 08, 2006, 03:29 AM // 03:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenryo

Hey, even though this message board probably isn't the best place to post stuff like this, the situation has gotten to a point where I'm simply at the end of my rope.

I have a mother who, for lack of a better term, is controlling and overbearing (and quite judgemental at that). After getting less than satisfactory grades my first two years at college, she forced me (basically with the threat of pulling the plug on my tuition) to move back in with her. Life since has been, well, pretty much a shadow of what I think it should be. I'm pretty much kept on a tight leash... not allowed to attend clubs, conventions, parties, or much. I'm also not "allowed" to watch anime, play computer games, date etc. etc. Basically, she's expecting me to study/work 24/7 with very little respite or leisure and my social life has simply died.

It's been 2 years since I've "moved back in" and it hasn't been a pretty 2 years. I simply can't stand the spartan environment, and I've taken to watching anime, and sometimes playing games at the comp lab on campus secretly... which makes me feel like a real douche for lying to my mother. I'm set to graduate in only 3 more weeks, whereupon my original plan was to stay at my uncle's house and do 2 quick semesters of financial planning courses and then find a job.

Here's where the big problem lies, however. Because of her high expectations, I've found it necessary to "inflate" my grades when I present them to her... and it turns out I'm actually graduating almost .5 (on a 4.0 scale) lower than she thinks I am. I'm feeling really guilty about this, but it's gotten to the point where I really have no way "out" of this hole I've dug myself into. Originally, I figured I'd be out of her "sphere of influence" after I graduated, and if I could find a job in a timely fashion, no one would need to know. But just today, my mother found my "secret" portable hard drive in my backpack and is making a tremendous fuss about it (yes, the hard drive I use to play GW with). She's telling me to immediately cancel my financial plannig classes at UCLA, in which case I'd have to pretty much stay with her indefinitely. After all this time, with my "freedom" so close to hand, I'm simply at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. Don't get me wrong... I love my mother, and I appreciate all she's done for me. But I feel like I've been suffocating for so long and I simply feel so lost now. When she found the hard drive it was like someone socked me in the gut... and I just don't know how to get back up. I've tried numerous times to make her understand that I need some freedom, but I can't help but feel like a prisoner.

I mean, for christ sakes, I'm 23 years old now... and I feel that if she'd just let go and stop dictating my life I might just be able to start living it. But, of course, not having a job, I'm still financially dependent on my parents, hence my problem with standing up for myself to them: they're simply holding all the chips. And the worst part is that she makes me feel like such a bad person, such an unworthy son for trying to live a double life behind her back... but I simply can't live the kind of life she wants me to live. I sound really bitter, and that's probably because it's gotten to the point where I loathe everyone I see that's enjoying themselves. I envy people for their freedom and I despise them for all that they have that I can't. And it makes me feel so low, so desipicable that I do this... that I lead this double life behind my mother's back, that I envy my "friends"... that I've become a bitter person... and mostly... that I still haven't become either a "start student" or a person who "has fun".

Any advice out there? I'm at the end of my rope.
*free req 11 14 stance crystalline to whoever gives me advice that actually works to solve my predicament. For some reason I don't particularly feel like play much anymore after today's incident.

Yeah I know what that is like, my mom use to be like that at one time, wasn't allowed to talk to girls, could never have people over, got maybe an hour of computer time a day, and I had no clue what the word "fun" meant. And I tell you, it sucked, it sucked big time. If I did not keep an A-B average in school I got yelled at and grounded. But you know what that is called? Love, it's hard to understand I know, but she obviously wants you to do well in life and this is her way of showing that. It may not be the right way, or even a good way, but it is her way. My words of advice, deal with it, unless she is making you pay money to live with her by force then there is nothing to complain about.

Trust me it's better than getting kicked out a week after graduation and having to work paycheque to paycheque at a minimum wage crap job you hate watching all of your friends go to school and making something of themselves. Now I am only 18, so I am younger than you, which means I don't expect you to take my words of advice so seriously, but I will tell you what is going to suck, going to school in the morning, working at night, getting about 3-4 hours of sleep then do it all over again 5 days a week, just to get the rent payed. That is what my future hold for me, I just wish my mom would let me live with her, I could give up games, parties, tv, and girls, for simple reasons. Don't have time to play them anymore, never go to them, tv sucks, and I am the greatest girl repellant known to man.

My words of advice, keep going strong, in the end you will thank her, I know I would. As for the whole doing stuff behind her back, don't worry about it, "what ma'ma doesn't know, won't hurt her"

Good luck man.

Etrik · Dec 08, 2006, 05:13 AM // 05:13

My mom's kinda doing the same - I have alot more freedom tho.

I am still seriously considering getting a job, saving up some money, getting a flat. The problem is I haven't started college yet [1 year breather]. So if I do that, my future is pretty much down the drain, except for some obscure specializations where you don't need to attend college to be good (bartender?).

Your best bet would be finding someone - anyone (if it gets dire, a rich old lady/woman who will keep you in her house for... se**al favors - or something similar; remember, this is for when things get really dire only) - who will keep you with them till you can get on your feet (3-4 months at a mid-wage job, sorta).

Good luck man, hope you get out of this mess. My final suggestion is to get out of it soon - no matter how. You should live your life.

Lord Cooper · Dec 08, 2006, 09:36 AM // 09:36

the obvious solution is to get a job - any job dont be too proud to accept a menial job at the end of the day its money in your pocket- and become financially independant. if you think you have time to socialise party and play games as well as keep up with your study then you have time to hold down a part time job. as you are living with your mum the job only has to pay your tuition. nothing more. if you do that you will earn respect from your mum by proving you can take responsibility and act as an individual and it also reduces her control over you drastically.

tbh i dont know why you didnt get a job 2 years ago when your mum first started pulling this crap but thats in the past. all you can do now is move forward and take control of your own life.

good luck

Divinitys Creature · Dec 08, 2006, 08:02 PM // 20:02

Here's an idea for cash - private tutoring. You can make decent money doing that. Being at college, you should be able to help high school kids. You earn about 4 times minimum wage and you don't have to work insane hours to make ends meet. Something like 6 lessons a week should be enough. Sharing an apartment with a buddy will halve your rent and you shouldn't try to live above your means (put your credit cards away). You do have 6 spare hours a week for work don't you? I know a few people who have done this to get by and they did pretty well.

Divine Freak · Dec 08, 2006, 08:12 PM // 20:12

Join the Army, thats what I did

Malice Black · Dec 09, 2006, 12:07 AM // 00:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by Divine Freak

Join the Army, thats what I did

Nah, the people who sign up for the wrong reasons are normally the first to quit.

l)l2UNl( · Dec 09, 2006, 05:21 AM // 05:21

well im Asian so i understand ur problem...
my solution was to get good grades and maintain them thus she allows me to play all i want. hell she cant complain when i maintain a 4.0 GPA she cant say improve ur grades when there is nothing to improve on... try working harder
i also find that if your parents give u more freedom you will also be more responsible(you wont have to sneak around)--play a few hours then study. try it out with you mom for a month or so cant hurt u too much at this point... the problem why you are not working hard is BECAUSE you mother is stressing u to work harder

i really cant tell u much more without know the actual grades u have
your mom can be right in stopping u from playing games ect if you have, lets say a 1.0-2.0 GPA. but if she is still this uptight with ~3.0 GPA then she really is overdoing it

btw what u said in that last paragraph:
"And it makes me feel so low, so desipicable that I do this... that I lead this double life behind my mother's back, that I envy my "friends"... that I've become a bitter person... and mostly... that I still haven't become either a "start student" or a person who "has fun"
sound suicidal scary...

l)l2UNl( · Dec 09, 2006, 05:34 AM // 05:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Admins Bane

Can't blame her tbh...she is spending her hard earned cash on you and you can't even make average grades..right now you are not value for money.

Either put up and shut up or find a shitty minimum wage job and live like a bum.

Welcome to the real world.

you are very pessimistic aren't you?

Windwalker64 · Dec 09, 2006, 08:00 PM // 20:00

Well evry1 here has a point......but everything has a good and bad side......If u stand up 2 your mom u can say goodbye 2 coledge and if u dont your social life will DIE and if u lead 2 lives ull get messed up in all that and your head will explode and ull die a terrible,terrible death..............no,really i think u have 2 sit down with ur mom and have a civilized conversation......and then take the axe and swing,do a 3 skill combo,heal and run 4 safety...............

some guy · Dec 09, 2006, 08:43 PM // 20:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by RobotNinja

Sounds like you need to grow a pair of stones and tell your Mommy to f**k off.

You're 23 for christs sake man, If you need your momma to watch over you so you can pass your classes, perhaps you shouldn't have gone to college in the 1st place. You will be shocked to discover if you get a job 'in the real world' your boss wont be there to hold your hand.

you have no-one to blame but yourself for letting your mom tell you what to do at your age anyway...

Truth hurts huh.

AWESOME thread BTW.

Agreed, but don't actually say that, just say I'm 23, I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Malice Black · Dec 10, 2006, 04:06 AM // 04:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by l)l2UNl(

you are very pessimistic aren't you?

I am me.